All of us have felt approach anxiety at one time or another. You see that girl from across the room and you think to yourself, “I want to meet her.” You get ready to approach when suddenly your chest constricts. Your palms feel sweaty and thoughts start running rapidly through your mind. What if she doesn’t like me? What if everyone sees me bomb with this one girl? Maybe I should get a drink first and wait for the opening… Congratulations. If you just stood there and didn’t do anything, at least know that you’re not alone.
Feeling Approach Anxiety
Why do we feel like this whenever we see an attractive woman? There are many theories out there but the one that I believe makes the most sense is that it is an evolutionary survival response. Back in the good old days, when we used to live in caves and beat each other with sticks and stones, approaching women was far more dangerous. To have a failed approach usually meant irreparable damage to your reputation in the tribe, leading to ostracizing and inevitable death. Our ancestors developed over thousands of years an emotional response to approaching, whereby if the circumstances were not in our favor, we would feel bad.
Things are nowhere near as dire nowadays but our body still has that defense mechanism that prevents us from approaching. You might wonder, how can I get over this outdated technology? Fortunately, there are a few things you can do to get over approach anxiety.
The 3 Second Rule
If you see a girl, approach her within three seconds. Why does this help? If you see a girl and approach her immediately, your mind does not have the TIME to react negatively. Instead of your thought processes going “Oh, a hot girl… oh, but she’s surrounded by her friends… I can’t go and approach her like that… I’ll wait a bit” your mind goes “Girl. Get girl.”
Get out of your head and have fun
When you’re not over-analyzing the situation, you tend to act more naturally and be more comfortable in your skin. When you’re with friends and just chilling with them, are you really analyzing your every thought? No! You’re just out to have a good time with them! Do things that will help you get out of your head – high five everyone in the club, start doing a crazy dance, shout random words at the top of your voice… whatever it is, have fun with it!
Crash and Burn
Seems completely counter-intuitive to your goal, eh? Remember, the thing that is preventing you from approaching is the fear of rejection. If you go and intentionally mess up a couple of interactions, you’ll come to the realization “Hey, it’s not the end of the world after all!” and it will feel like a weight off your shoulders.
Remember: They’re only women!
That’s the straight up truth guys. They aren’t going to turn into dragons with flaming talons or start yelling at you in the middle of the club. Girls are not inherently mean. They’ll listen to you politely and might, god forbid, even start having a good time with you! Don’t put them on a pedestal… treat them as people and just watch at how they open up.
So remember guys – next time you start to feel the onset of approach anxiety, just stop analyzing and start having fun. If you don’t try, you have a zero percent chance of success, whereas if you make the approach, your chances have already gone up a lot. You’re in a social environment, out to meet women and have a great time… so start having a great time NOW!
Does anyone have any idea how to get over approach anxiety?
First you have to understand why you are anxious.
I have often said it and I cannot say it enough: most guys are not held back by "fear of rejection". They are held back by "fear of annoying the girl."
These guys best bet is not to work on their self confidence or whatever to get over their fear of rejection. No, they have to experience that many women actually like being approached politely and non intrusively in a bar/club setting. Even if you are just an average normal guy.
Speed dating to help approach anxiety?
- Talk to lots of strangers on the street, store, bus, etc... not just women, but everyone.
- Begin doing stuff you're uncomfortable with and denying yourself stuff you think you need. Something like drinking less coffee, drinking more water, no smoking, no fap, taking the stairs instead of the lift... Learn be in control and what you feel and what you do.
What are your suggestions as to letting go of that approach anxiety initially?
Believe me when I say this! Collage game is 75% social game!
You have to keep increasing your social circle as much as you can, then you will have the easiest time getting girls.
* Work out at least 4 times a week. Most collages have free gym classes for students. Learn how to lift properly. Also, do some cardio sports (possibly Martial Arts or Yoga) . (You will thank me later!)
* Join many different clubs where you can meet girls.
* Be social in your classes/clubs/etc.
* Stop playing computer games. You should not play any computer game more than 3-4 hours a week.
Don't ever use the direct openers from night game on campus during day. This can back-fire pretty bad.
How did you overcome approach anxiety?
Using a method I dubbed "Smile Therapy".
The name is based off of a discussion I had with a friend where we talked about Rejection Therapy and I disagreed with its effectiveness in getting over Approach Anxiety. The basic premise of rejection therapy is to purposefully create situations where you would be rejected so that you get to see that it isn't so bad and you will be desensitized to it or like another commenter here said, "fail so many times that you don’t care".
Here's the problem, you may numb yourself to the effects of rejection but you also teach your subconscious to associate the act of you approaching with getting rejected. Your subconscious is very simplistic, it doesn't understand the intricate thoughts your conscious mind has, it simply makes basic connections like food = mouth feels good/full belly, sex = good feeling in dick and other parts, loud noises = scary/danger, etc. So you want it to think "approach = people happy to see me" because your subconscious is where your AA is coming from in the first place.
I called my approach Smile Therapy pretty much as a middle finger to Rejection Therapy. The way you do it is you purposefully set up situations so that when you approach someone they smile. You can do things like [this](https://9gag.com/gag/aZmLM39).
If you don't want to buy and give away a bunch of chocolates then another way to do it is by simply giving away compliments for free. That means you approach someone, give them a compliment and leave. Its very important that you leave because its the fact that you're giving away something nice and not expecting anything in return that gets them to smile and be happy that you approached them.
Notice the people that give away the chocolate walk away immediately too.
You will find that even if you just make 5 people smile in a single day it'll feel like you no longer have approach anxiety and you should take advantage of that by making real attempts to pick girls up. The thing is, you'll also notice that by the next day approach anxiety will be back. That's because approach anxiety has developed in you for a very long time so it will take time to reverse that completely. Don't worry about it, just keep doing the smile therapy until you wake up just ready to talk to absolutely anybody.
I literally had that. When I lived in a dorm, the window of my room was facing the sidewalk so when I woke up one day I saw a really hot girl outside and sprinted downstairs to get to her and approach her. I didn't change or anything, I even admitted to her that I hadn't even showered and we ended up going on an instant date by having breakfast together.
**This part is for everyone reading this comment**
A lot of you have sent me direct messages asking for my advice because you read a comment I made on this sub, just like this one, and found it to be very helpful/insightful/meaningful and I'm happy to say I've been able to help you guys so much more because of that.
Here's the problem: More and more messages are coming in and I really want to help but its getting hard to keep up.
So I've decided to put together a Telegram group for you guys that want to improve your dating lives and want to *actually* understand the psychology behind our interactions with not only women but with ourselves and people in general.
If you want to be part of a group that believes in finesse over brute force, technique over strength, smart work over hard work, ***Seduction over pursuit*** then send me a direct message with your Telegram username.
As long as you're serious about getting better with women I'll be more than happy to welcome you in.
Any advice for breaking approach anxiety?
Approaching strangers on dating is really difficult. Personally, I would suggest trying to get into the mindset that you're just getting to know them as friends first. That might help ease your anxiety.
Also, if you have a female friend that is willing to help, you could practice with her on how you build up to asking a girl out.