As a guy, learning how to talk to girls can be a challenging experience or it can be an incredibly exhilarating one. Today, I’m going to show you how carry a proper conversation with girls while eliminate awkward pauses.
Why should you care? Because this is one of the most neglected aspects when it comes to dating advice, and yet, it is so critical to succeed!
One of the most frequent issues I hear among men struggling with women is that they “Just don’t know what to talk about!”
And when they do try, it comes out wrong.
I feel you!
I’ve had that awkward silence too.
The moment where something SHOULD of been said, but it was not.
The moment where you both kind of look at each other and think… “Ok this isn’t going anywhere”
When this happens, women will often think: “We just don’t connect” or “This guy is just a loser” and it’s at that point that the date goes downhill.
Actually, that’s probably one of the biggest fear that men have and it’s the reason why a lot of guys won’t even go start a conversation!
But starting a conversation is simpler than you think. In fact, an American study on date initiation showed that men were more active at initiating and more successful at getting dates than women. So you’ve got what it takes and it’s likely just nerves that are getting in you way.
If your primary focus is getting a girl by means, then failure is inevitable, because she’s likely to sense your hidden agenda.
However, if you keep it simple, and just focus on starting lightly, you’ll be ahead of most guys.
Save those deep topics for later, when you’re well into your second date. (That comes after you managed to make her feel comfortable around your presence.)
The Ideal Topic Of Conversation With Girls
The reason is that most people try to figure out the “ideal topic of conversation” beforehand. As if, if you were to introduce this ideal topic, you would both have a wonderful time talking about it for hours and hours and eventually the woman would fall in love with you, just because you had the right topic of conversation.
That’s because it is.
Yet people STILL try to find that ideal conversation topic!
So do yourself a favor, do ME a favor, stop it and just start off with any conversation topic.
Usually bad ones will do, and as the conversation progresses, you can steer the conversation to any topics you wish to discuss. From there, we have you covered when it comes to making every conversation memorable.
Alright, because we all like to be spoon fed information, I’ll break it down even more.
Topics Relevant To You
I realize that saying “Any Topic Will Do” will not help most guys because you’re probably still wondering..
“OK, but what do I talk about?”
Well start by things that are relevant to you first.
It’s really hard to be relevant to other people, and people with high value tend to think of themselves anyways, so STARTING with a topic that is relevant in your life is always a great way to start a conversation. At the same time, it will sub-consciously convey values of self-worth and confidence which are both attractive.
For example, if you’re on your way to go grocery shopping, start with that!
The only thing you should probably avoid is being a ‘try hard’. You know, those elitist nice guys that talk about weird topics they THINK will impress girls? (Your bank account, your volunteer work, your car, your education) That will come across as egotistical, if not narcissistic, which is a turnoff for most girls.
Instead, keep it light, simple and basic.
“Hey, I was just watching the cooking channel and I was inspired to make some *insert funny meal*, so now I’m going to get the secret ingredient at the grocery store“.
Now it’s likely that she doesn’t really care about you going grocery shopping, but if the story and your thought process is interesting enough, then it will be entertaining to talk about. When in doubt, talk about your thought process about an activity and it will ALWAYS provide natural conversation.
People are bored, stories about your life can be as entertaining as watching that last episode of Lost, House or even Desperate House Wives.
Conversations are like fires, once they are ignited with the right kindling, there’s no stopping them. Trust me when I tell you, you’ll know when to change topic, it will come naturally.
Besides there’s no need to think too much about what to talk about because according to David Dryden Henningsen from Northern Illinois University, there is often miscommunication during interactions between men and women, particularly flirtatious ones. So even if you felt you found the perfect topic, it’s likely she’s reading it very differently to the way you are.
So until then, just continue talking about what interests you the most, because if it’s interesting to you, you’ll talk about it in an enthusiastic and entertaining manner, which, in her eyes, will transfigure or even transmogrify your whole character.
The next time you wonder how to talk to girls, just keep in mind that conversations are like fire, they need to be slowly started with little light pieces before you can move on to the heavy stuff!
Talking To Girls In Any Situation
Wouldn’t it be great if you knew to talk girls in regardless of the situation? In a big city, you’ll see beautiful women every day – in the streets, on train platforms, in supermarkets, in cafés and restaurants. Most of us are really afraid to approach them: it might seem inappropriate, awkward, intrusive, she might be taken, a lesbian or a serial killer. We hesitate and hope for something to happen so we can easily talk to her – and then she leaves and we kick ourselves because in all likelihood, we just missed our one and only shot.
I’ll tell you what you can say. But before you even go there, you need to get the anxiety out of your system, and you achieve that by putting yourself out there and practicing.
Here’s your first lesson: girls, no matter how beautiful, are people.
That’s why it’s so easy to have a nice chat with the dude behind you in line at the box office, or with the lady at the cash register. They are just people.
You want to take that same approach when talking to beautiful girls: “they are just people”.
In his work on Nonverbal Communication, psychology professor Albert Mehrabian found that only about 7% of the emotional meaning of a message is conveyed through words. 38% are “paralanguage”, i.e. the use of voice, and 55% are nonverbal communication, e.g. gesture, posture or facial expressions.
Words have a ridiculously small impact on meaning.
Instead, we communicate through our behaviour.
If you’ve ever taken acting classes, especially Improv, you will know that an emotion comes up for you if you spark the appropriate energy in your body first.
Think of what you feel when you’re really happy to see, say, a great friend. The very instant you see the person, joy lights up in you and you cannot help but make a smile, there’s a prickle in your stomach or a tickle running down the back of your neck. You can put yourself in that state: start laughing by yourself, smile, trigger these physical states. The emotion will follow soon enough, and with it, fun and bright ideas will come up.
You might still be nervous about approaching, but in this light, it won’t be anxiety: it will be excitement (think about it, your body signals both in similar ways). You can use that energy! Just stay genuine: don’t paste a fat smile on your face for the heck of it.
Let your face mirror your emotions.
Talk To Strangers
Now you’re in the right state to approach a stranger. Of course, you still want to know “what to say first”, right?
But it’s not always about what to say in order to impress her. Talking to strangers is also about getting out of the comfort zone, looking at things from a different perspective and approaching life in a more daring way to suppress nervousness and anxiety. There’s a catch though, according to author Malcolm Gladwell who describes the limitations of human perception among strangers, we are more often wrong when deciding a stranger’s character. So there should be no surprises if she doesn’t turn out to be the way you envisaged, but this shouldn’t stop you from talking to her.
In dating lingo, we speak of “openers”, and I advocate the honest, genuine and authentic ones. They come from your heart, not pre-scripted from somebody else’s mind. I’ll give you two, and for these, remember what we discussed about energy:
1. Walk up to the person and say “Hi!” or “Hey!“. Simple as that. “My name is Brian.” Shake their hand. “What’s yours?” Now, what do you associate with the person’s name? Perhaps it has a meaning that you know (check out the etymology of common names), or they might have an exotic name. “That’s… No, let me guess: Austrian, right?” There’s your conversation. Now share something about yourself.
2. The observational opener: one of my favourites. A guy opened me up in a supermarket line because he saw a melon in my basket. You and I can do the same: notice something about the person, anything, and point it out. “I really like that necklace, it shines in the sun and makes me think of the ocean.”
What could this say about the person? “Hey, you must be a light-hearted person.”
There are many more kinds of openers, opinion openers for instance, backhanded compliments, David DeAngelo’s “Cocky and Funny” approach, “canned” openers, storytelling, or teasing: “I couldn’t help but notice you… staring at me.” What you need to do is practice, practice, practice. You’ll gain experience from the ways people react (many will be appreciative! They like the change of pace), and soon, you’ll find that approaching becomes easy. Your confidence will grow because you’re no longer treading unsafe territory, and you’ll have the tools to talk to girls in any situation!
Bonus: How to listen better TED
You can’t be a good talker without being a good listener as well so I highly recommend listening to this Ted talk (see what I did there?)
Talk To Women That Would Usually Intimidate You
It’s not rocket science, really. It may often feel like it, but understanding women only “feels” impossible because you try to “think” your way around. What counts are the right emotions.
Your job as a man is to see a woman’s feminine nature and respond to it. That’s how you talk to women. You’ll be surprised how much women’s responses to you will improve when you stop tiptoeing around the emotions we all feel, and call them as you experience them.
Feeling intimidated, particularly if you’ve convinced yourself that she’s out of your league can result in unruly behaviour you never thought you had in you. It very much stems from an unjustified fear of feeling “lesser” than her that can lead to backhanded compliments in order to undermine her confidence. This is a term pick-up artists describe as negging, which is a manipulation tactic used to break her confidence and increase her need of your approval… don’t become that person!
Communicating Out Of Love
You know how charming old people will sometimes make you the sincerest compliments?
My friend was interviewing an old gentleman for her newspaper, and he told her: “You’re such a lovely young lady, you must have a lot of love in your life.” She had a big smile when she told me about it: “What a sweet old man! If only more young guys were like this.” This was in Germany, and I’m sure the old guy had lived through enough pain and hardship to realize what really counts.
Now get this: I have another friend – he’s 27 now, and he uses the same “lines” on girls. Only, they’re not lines.
For him, love and happiness are truly essential, and when he interacts with women, it shines through. He radiates the feelings, and women love him for it.
A Woman’s Mind
It’s a well-known cliché that women spend lots of time in the bathroom. What the heck are they doing in there? I’ll tell you. They are working on their looks with artists’ loving hands, designing every detail like it’s their latest work of art. And I’m sure you’ve seen girls compliment each other on the effort they put in – “your hair looks so beautiful today”, “that dress fits you well – it compliments your eyes.” How many guys do that?
Just as you enjoy the compliments when you get a new haircut or an awesome pair of shoes (come on, you do), girls appreciate getting attention for their sheer femininity and the effort they put into it. They love it when you man the heck up and spell out the feelings they look for: “That’s a hell of a lipstick color. I bet you’re getting a lot of attention because of it”
Or: “I’m sure all other guys fall in love with you.”
Conveying The Right Message
Notice, on the side, how observations like these disqualify you as a suitor: what you do is suggest that other guys will like this girl for her femininity, her being. You’re not indicating yourself – instantly making her wonder about you. “Why doesn’t he want me, then?” just a little trick to make yourself interesting.
You must also understand that women – much like us, to some extent – constantly wonder what people really think of them, and what kind of impression they leave.
Society vs. Sensuality
Unfortunately, emotions don’t have a prominent place in our everyday life. They have their place in art, like songs, movies or the theater, but in our personal interactions, we are socially “required” to keep these themes well-concealed. They belong in the privacy of the home, or when you’re alone. For many people, it feels awkward to openly talk about them.
With that in mind, it’s almost an act of courage to bring these feelings up like they’re the most natural thing in the world. But they are! And if you do it often enough, talking about love, desire, passion, sensuality will come easily like speaking of a good meal (jeez I’m hungry), an exquisite wine, a great experience: just an everyday occurrence.
A man that is that confident about his sexuality, and treats it so naturally, is a great aphrodisiac. And I’m telling you, it’s one of the big reasons why girls tend to fall madly for older guys. They have the experience, openness and self-image that many younger guys try to avoid by being “cool”.
How to talk to women gets easier when you depart from logical thinking. It’s about opening up and saying what really matters. Allow for more love and sensuality in your language and demeanor. Talk about the sun shining on your skin, about the feeling you get in a roller-coaster, about the taste of a kiss or the smell of a woman’s hair, about the great chances a girl has for being who she is, about how we all deserve love and affection. Oh, and while you do that, cut down on the made-up coolness.
Never running out of things to say
You’ve just done your approach perfectly. The girl is beautiful and all her attention is on you as she waits expectantly for you to say something to her. You open your mouth, suave and smooth like James Bond when you suddenly realize – you have no idea what to talk about with girls. Sound like a familiar situation? It’s a question that many men ask themselves – how can they maintain a conversation with a beautiful stranger, one that will keep women engaged and emotionally invested as they get to know each other.
One thing to understand is that it is not so important what you say but rather how you say it. The delivery is far more important than the content. Consider saying “Hi, my name is John” very shyly, with your body all closed in, and saying the same thing except with your chest thrust out in a powerful voice. How you deliver what you have to say makes a very big difference.
Being Passionate When You Speak
The way to deliver something confidently and with strength is to talk about something that you are passionate about and want to talk about, and in fact this is what your aim should be in any interaction; to talk about what you want to talk about. When girls hear the conviction and excitement in your voice and realize you’re talking about something you love, they are being given an invitation into your world, not a world where you are trying to impress them or seduce them but a world where you are completely genuine, something that women find very attractive.
How To Discover Good Conversations Topics
There are certain topics that will hook a woman’s attention far more effectively than others. One theme that usually piques a woman’s curiosity are emotionally charged topics such as relationships, drama, and general social dynamics. These topics will hook a woman’s attention and in fact, a lot of classic pickup lines are built around an opener that involves these topics, but for them to work effectively, you must be invested in these topics yourself.
It’s no use asking about your best friend’s cheating girlfriend if you really don’t care about their answer – take their response and simply continue the conversation off that. The branching possibilities are limitless and you can choose to lead the conversation in any specific way that you desire.
What Type of Humor To Use
Another thing that will improve your interactions is humor. This is not to say that you should be spouting joke after joke in an attempt to make her laugh – on the contrary, this is simply seeking a reaction from a woman and is more likely to make you seem like a try-hard.
Instead, seek to amuse yourself. Anything can be funny if you look at it in the right way, and if you can find fun and enjoyment in everything around you, women will love you. This is not to say that you must never tell a joke though – if you think a joke is funny and want to share it with the woman, by all means go ahead. You’re sharing your sense of humor and what you find funny with her and women will love you for that.
There’s no need to think too deeply about this. Nor do you need to work out a plan of action on how to be funny, as a study from Michigan State University showed humor is frequently used in embarrassing interactions to restructure a conversation. Believe me when I say, there will be some embarrassingly funny moments between you, AND that’s when you will know the perfect time to crack some jokes!
Topics To Avoid
People often wonder if deep, personal topics have a place in conversation with women. Yes, they do, but only at the right time. If your try and get very deep and personal in the first few minutes of meeting someone new, people will get slightly creeped out. If, on the other hand, you wait until you’re both enjoying each other’s company and want to get to know each other better then such emotionally heavy topics can build a strong rapport between the two of you.
Gentlemen, don’t talk about euthanasia and politics, no matter how passionate you are about those topics – those things are only going to give you arguments and bad feelings. Talk about feelings and emotions that you have, life experiences and personal stories. These are the type of things that will build a strong sense of trust and comfort in women.
Women don’t want you to try and invade their world with interrogation-like questions. They want to experience your reality, be a part of your party. Your conversation should be a gateway into your world and you should talk to women about topics that interest you and help you build that strong connection with her.
What to talk about with girls should ultimately be an expression of you, because this is the person you want the girl to get to know.
Subtleties Of Communication
The trick with talking to girls is with the subtleties.
The first rule of talking with women is to replace the word “talk” with the word “communication”. When you adopt the idea that you want to communicate with another human being, it takes the emphasis off the words themselves, which are only a small part of communication anyways.
Real communication is actually 20% words and 80% body language & tonality.
“It’s not what you say, but how you say it”
So let’s get the words out of the way first, since it’s the easiest and it’s likely that you want to know that anyways. We’ll save the best (the other 80%) for later!
The words that you say should be simple, interesting and unexpected. How boring is this conversation?
– How are you ?
= Good, and you ?
– Pretty good.
Instead, painting pictures with words, triggering the imagination and using interesting words will always provide better conversation.
– Why hello there!
= Hello to you too!
– How are you on this semi-cloudy and mildly humid day ?
= Good! You ?
The second conversation has a lot more flow, and although you wouldn’t always talk like this, it’s a good way to start a conversation with an otherwise boring topic (the weather). If you can paint pictures with your words, people will have a much more enjoyable time speaking to you.
Being Interesting With Females
In terms of topics, speak about things that interest YOU and then switch to topics that interest BOTH of you. When meet a woman, chances are you don’t know anything about her (a part from making assumptions based on her looks, body language and social surroundings), so instead of ‘searching for a topic’, just talk about something that entertains you at first. If it’s interesting to you, then your passion for the topic at hand will make it interesting for her as well. As the conversation progresses, you’ll likely drift to a topic that interests her as well… use it!
To put everything together, I recommend the Obsession Method by Kate Spring. While it can sometimes be overwhelming when it comes to attracting women, Kate has a great way of making it easy with one simple method. You can read my review of her program for men here (I was impressed!).