Sometimes, I ask myself if anybody ever counted how often the average man finds himself wondering what to say to a girl that they would like to approach. If you did that, you would probably get a frightening daily ratio. “You’ll share an elevator, just you two, and you’ll rise in total silence to the floor”, Rupert Holmes sings in “The people that you never get to love”, a forgotten song from 1979. “Like the fool you are, you get off, and she leaves your life behind a closing door.” And we can all relate.

I used to be desperate for any advice on how to meet girls: for a long time, I tried repeating all the funny, witty lines and routines that I’d read in books, but nothing ever got me very far. Then, one autumn evening, it hit me.

A risky move: going back to questions

I was at a point in my studies about women and attraction where I had built up a solid personality and confidence. Practice had made me good in social situations, I had my life stories together, the social intelligence to tell them at the right moment and the enthusiasm to tell them with intrigue. So that evening, I realized that I was ready to go back to a basic concept that would have gotten me blown out of any conversation before my studies: asking questions.


Conversations is just communication

However, before I tell you more about that, let me ask you a question: how do you think animals communicate? They don’t have words, language, phrases. They don’t have “pickup lines” and “openers”. Yet the males somehow manage to attract females – all the way to the big ol’ “f-close”. Fancy that! Now I want you to get the idea out of your head that just because we humans are more evolved than animals, we’re completely disconnected from the animal world. “You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals”, remember that song? There’s a comic strip where you see a man getting mad at his dog, telling him in great detail why he’s not supposed to do whatever he did wrong. In the next panel, you see what the dog actually hears: “wah wah wah”. That dude is clearly doing something wrong.

Now, when you communicate with a woman (or anybody for that matter), guess what. Words are ultimately meaningless (which is why irony works, by the way). They are not what you communicate! What you communicate is your confidence, your tenure, your intention, your emotions, in effect, the whole vibe you give off.

So when I was getting ready for going out on that autumn night, I realized that I was actually really comfortable in my own skin. I had learned about the dynamics of attraction, I was largely aware of what was going on behind the scenes of an interaction, I “understood” what women were saying and what kinds of signals I was sending. In the recent weeks, much of what I’d been studying had pointed to the direction of “just be yourself”: something that friends used to tell me back in the old days when I had no game at all. “Being myself” never got me laid back then… But now that I was my improved self, I decided I would try asking more questions again. Only this time, there was a new twist:

Don’t open with a line. Open with a purpose

Many guys tend to ask questions in a mere attempt to spark some conversation: “So where do you work?”, “What’s your name?”, “How old are you?”. The problem is, oftentimes, they don’t really know where they’re going with this: all they know is that this girl is hot and they want to be around her. The girl will sense that aimlessness, and she will lose interest. Now, when you have an actual purpose, that will show through your conversation, and it will make you interesting and attractive. When I ask girls questions now, my actual purpose is:

  • I like the looks of this girl and I want to know more about her personality to see if she matches to what I’m looking for in a woman.

With that, I can be much more goal-oriented than I was before. Now here’s the thing for you: you should sit down and work out some of the purposes you would have when opening a girl. A couple of really good ones are:

  • I want to have a good time (because without that, nothing will really work out).
  • I want to find a friend with benefits.
  • I want to meet fun people.
  • I want to find a soulmate.
  • I want a girl that shares my love for music.

Find out about your own intentions. Do you want a girlfriend? F-buddy? Female friend? Or simply build a social circle? Whatever it is, once you have it figured out, you’ll no longer worry about what to say to a girl. Words will come naturally, because they’re no longer the focus of the conversation. The focus is no longer on the words you utter – it’s on what you actually say.

  • Words Don’t Come Easy

    Animals are so lucky to not have words. I wish I could just sniff a girl’s butt and hump her like that. Animals are also lucky to not have stupid rape laws.

  • shane

    when i try to ask a girl out i always get scard what should i do

  • Patrick

    Tell her in person how you feel and tell her something that you remember from sometime ago that she did or you did together. If she has any feelings she will go after you.

  • Jakeie boy :)

    just go ask her nicely 😛

  • Alex

    Well ive been texting this one girl i like a lot for a couple days and shes into me and im into her but we both just cant ever find things to talk about… suggestions?

  • jorge

    No girl is over your leage bro, just chill back, maybe they just not readdy for what u have to offered, do not rush rhings, but try to get the best out of the situation

  • Anonymous :)

    Dont do that. Fb will blow you off. U can try message her w fb but don’t post it on her wall. Or you can try to her a letter then put it in her bag which is a bit creepy but better than nothing.

  • moustapha

    Just tell her that u love her on facebook so if she like’s u to she won’t be shy to tell u 🙂

  • Luke

    Dude oh my god i had the same thing happen to me:o but then she found out:( and she was pissed off and she started cursing me out so and the worse part was it was all in txt not good lol i was laughing after she left.

  • Josh

    Dude just tell your girl look its over first find out if the girl you like likes you if she does then go for it but don’t tell your girl why your breaking up with her cause then she would be pissed out at you and after you break up with her wait a few days then ask the girl out. i would know cause i had the same thing happen to me and thats what i did but you can do whatever you want to….

  • John

    i like this girl but i already have a girlfriend but WOW this girl is so much cooler then my girl but i just dont know what to say to her and should i break up with my girl or what.? i mean idk if she likes me what do u think….?

  • Randy

    Just when I thought it can’t get any better, you raise the bar…AGAIN!! We can’t complain, being on the receiving end of such priceless advice is a privilege. :thanks:

  • Daniel Ashong

    I feel like Im an attractive person and get alot of looks and talk to alot of girls. Its after we talk and between seeing eachother that I have a hard time comeing up with the right thing to say. I always seem to lose them before the date or after the first date.

  • nick

    Jon, if she has a difficult time forgetting about her last boyfriend its because she is still attracted to him. With you she has a safe bet because you are a really good friend and shes afraid of having a commitment with you because of that comfort level. If you want to change that your going to have to show her that you can be the sexual dominant male and still be that same guy she can talk to anything about. If you can do that then your good, how your going to do it is on you i have no idea how this girl is what shes like. thats on you, show her your dominant male side, confidence take her out just have a good time be playful and your good to go amigo.

  • bruce brown chamberlain

    I have this beautiful friend that i have been with this past years, she really likes me, tells me of her secrets,her family issues,herself etc, i have proposed to this girl and she finds it difficult to accept my proposal,all because of a relationship she had been in for the past year, i can see she loves me, but the problem is i dont know.please help me gain the heart of this girl and i will be very happy. bruce

  • jon

    I feel like Im an attractive person and get alot of looks and talk to alot of girls. Its after we talk and between seeing eachother that I have a hard time comeing up with the right thing to say. I always seem to lose them before the date or after the first date.

  • TheJan

    If you want to become a winner you must think like a winner, act like a winner, and then be a winner.
    If you always think that you can never get a girlfriend, if your expectation on yourself is so low that you think you cannot get one, you will certainly never get one. You must first heighten your expectations on yourself.

    As for going for girls out of your league, don’t worry about that. See them as perfect training material. A high quality girl will test you much harder than an average girl, simply because she knows that she is hot. Her confidence level is much higher than that of an average girl, and because of that she will demand more.
    Do what you think is best, better yet, do what you’d like to. Don’t just give in if a girl asks something of you, like for example doing her homework. Instead, tease her, like “are you really so bad that you can’t do them yourself?” or simply say “What’s in it for me?”. You can use everything a girl says as ammunition to tease her. Just try it. If you think it is fun, then continue. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to. Never do something just so that a girl will like you.

    Next thing, you should make it a prerequisite that she likes you for you. If a girl doesn’t want you the way you want her, she obviously isn’t the right person for you. If you showed her enough of yourself (and you did if you talked to her in person), and she doesn’t like it, she is either stupid or not worth it. That is of course if you worked on yourself and improved you and your life.
    Now go out there and improve your life, not because some girl wants you to improve your life, but because it is YOUR LIFE. It doesn’t belong to one girl, or girls in general, it belongs to you. And it is your job to take care of it. If you can improve your life to point where you don’t need a girl to make you happy anymore then you are there and it is time to proceed.

  • Jeremy

    No matter how hard I try I can never get a girlfriend. I’m always getting turned down. A few weeks ago, I started texting this girl that I REALLY like. I started to get to know her and eventually asked her out. She turned me down. Is my approach messed up or am I just going for girls that are out of my league?

  • Ron

    Then don’t force her. You should never force a woman to do anything. That’s not seduction. That’s coercion.

    What I find effective is telling them that I’m going to do something, and perhaps they should tag along, otherwise they will lose half their life. If she joins me, it’s through her free will. If she doesn’t enjoy herself, I can blame her that she’s not up to it. Then challenge her again to do something else with you, just to check if it was the activity or her that’s boring.

  • luvaboy

    …so lets do it like they do on the discovery channel 🙂 The Bad Touch-The Bloodhound Gang

  • lokks

    So I’m talking to this girl online. Whom i met through a friend. She seems pretty cool and i want to hang out with her, but i don’t want to like force her to go out with me. I’ve only just met her but i don’t want to bore her with just conversation through messages and I feel like its getting me no where.

  • mark

    Go for what is yours and don’t assume things. She might as well have another idea maybe the always available friend. i think this wont please you, will it?

  • DD

    I have known this girl my whole life. We are both very good friends. Best friends. I feel our friendship getting stronger and all I want to do is tell her I love her but I don’t know how without creeping her out. When I talk to her on the phone I think I bore her as all I can think about is telling her how I feel about her. When we are with each other it is never alone. She has lots of friends and one of them is always there.
    Do you have any suggestions?