Question from a reader:
“I have had a little situation that has been puzzling me lately. There’s this girl that I have been friends with for over a year and I feel as if I’m getting closer to her. I was at her place just a couple weeks ago… and even though nothing happened, it was just the two of us!
I mean, that’s progress right?
She was sitting on the opposite side of the couch so I couldn’t really have any physical contact. Just last week I invited her to lunch and we’ve had a fun conversation… as opposed to the serious one we had a few weeks ago.
I am trying to make myself stand out here! I want to attract her, but I want to reduce my chances of being rejected. So I invited her to this a free show that’s happening nearby and I’m hoping she’ll say yes. What are some little things that I can do when we hang out to make it seem more like we’re on a date?
Should I go have dinner with her?
How should I behave without crossing any lines?
I already established that I’m a friend and I don’t want things to be awkward if she rejects me. I could really use any advice!”
My answer on the next page…
Getting out of the friends zone:
I always say things straight, so brace yourself!
You’re in the friends zone. She might like you… but you’re still in the friends zone.
You’re acting like the stereotypical nice guy that starts learning about all this stuff and doesn’t know what to do with girls. That’s GREAT! Why? Because the prescription is simple and it’s been done hundreds of times before. (Hey, it’s easier when you have similar problems to everyone else… you just use the same solution as everyone else)
The Nice Guy Syndrome
What indicates the “nice guy” syndrome that is preventing you from attracting girls and having success:
– “I have been working on a situation with a girl for a little over a year” – ONE YEAR?! Either you’re friends with someone… or you’re not.
– “She sat on the opposite side of the couch so I wasn’t able to kino”. – You ask her to come closer, you move over there… you make things happen! I have had COUNTLESS girls sit further away because they are shy… So you say: “Come sit here” and they are happy to oblige.
– “I’m trying to stand out” – This is going to screw you over. Don’t think about this. Either you stand out or you don’t.
– “I’m trying to attract her” – Whenever you actively try to attract someone, it does the opposite. (It’s messed up, but it’s true. Don’t confuse going after what you want with attracting someone though.)
– “I want to reduce my chances of rejection” – Holy BAD mindset batman! Don’t be scared of rejection. You have to embrace it. And she’s a friend for a year… how can she possibly reject you now?! Instead, you should be thinking: “I’m going to do this super cool thing and if she joins… that’s cool. If she doesn’t, then that’s OK because there are others that will join… and if they don’t, then i’m going to have FUN doing it alone” (And then you’ll meet people there)
– “What are things that I can do to make it seem more like a date?” – AHHHHHHHH, the trick is to NOT make it seem like a date. Dates are awkward and no one likes them. Avoid dates. She won’t like you more if it feels like a date.
– “Without crossing any lines” – This is the typical “nice guy” syndrome at 100% power. If you’re scared and worried about crossing lines, you’re not coming from a place of confidence and power. Instead, you’re coming from a place of fear & insecurity. (none of these will attract women)
– “Don’t want things to be awkward for if she rejects me” – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH nice guy syndrome. She can’t reject you, you can only reject yourself. Embrace awkwardness, embrace being bold, embrace risks and change your mindset.
Alright, we really care about your success and the reason I wrote all this is because in the end, we really do want you to succeed…. so don’t take it personally. I was exactly like this before (kind of) and so were many (nearly all) guys on here.
First, read Double Your Dating by David DeAngelo. He talks about the “Wussy” persona that is not attractive to girls and presents this whole ‘nice guy’ thing wayyy better than I can.
It’s a quick read (like 70 pages or so?) and it should drastically change your mindset.
After that, read “Models” by Mark Manson… this guy really knows where it’s at. (But be careful, he’s going to present some more advanced stuff in there that you aren’t really ready to use at the moment… read it anyways.
At this point, you should have enough information to last you 2-3 months.
From here, it’s going to be “go out, go out and go out some more”. Find a guy that will go out with you for the express purpose of being social. That, above anything else, will help you become the man that you probably want to be.
Last, but certainly not least, you have to take a break from ‘trying to get this girl’ and go after other girls as “practice”. Once you’ve gotten enough practice (developed yourself as an attractive guy), then “getting” this girl will be a completely different ball game.
Every time you go out and approach other girls, you’re improving your chances with this specific girl.
Of course, the catch-22 is that you’ll realize that when you meet other girls, this one doesn’t seem as important anymore… and that’s kind of the point. That’s when she’ll be attracted to you and start chasing you. If you get started now… it might take a year, maybe 2… but you’ll get there. Who knows, maybe you’re a super fast guy and it will only take 6 months.
Once again, I hope you take all of this in a positive way. You might not be used to things being pointed out in a very direct manner (no one really does this in normal day-to-day society) but I do it because I want you to succeed as fast as possible and pretending to solve your situation without addressing the underlying issues isn’t going to do anything.
Just know, nearly EVERYONE enters this with the nice guy syndrome… and because it’s so common, you already have thousands of guys that have gone through the same journey as you. (Therefore everything is already laid out in front of you… you just have to follow the path)