You know those scenes in romantic comedies where a character is at a bar and his buddies are trying to get him to go talk to a beautiful woman? And for some reason, the guy is usually taking deep breaths and slamming down shots like a Civil War soldier about to get his leg amputated?
Those scenes are part of the reason why guys tend to have such a hard time flirting with women: they treat flirting like it’s Thunderdome and they’ll be fed to the wolves if they aren’t successful.
When you hear the word “flirt”, what do you think? If you look it up on everybody’s favorite online encyclopedia, you get this: “Flirting is a form of human interaction between two people, expressing a romantic and/or sexual interest. It can consist of conversation, body language, or brief physical contact.”
Now, do you think this first line will help you learn how to flirt with a woman?
Naturally, you may be reluctant to “express a romantic and/or sexual interest” in a woman just like that: what if you come off as weird, she gets annoyed, defensive, what if she flat-out rejects you? That would make flirting a quite unpleasant experience.
On the other hand, if you really understand how to do it, you can make any flirt what it’s meant to be: a light, fun interaction with a breezy sexual vibe and sweet validation.
flirting – It’s light! It’s fun! Nobody will be fed to wolves!
When I hear the word “flirt”, I think of witty, smiley banter, laughing, good feelings, slight sexual tension, and most importantly: no particular outcome. It may be a fun prelude to casual sex, a steady relationship or simply nothing at all – none of these things make or break a good flirt. The only two ingredients it needs are “good” and “flirt”. It is what it is and if you’re doing it right, it shouldn’t be stressful.
The goal is to get her to smile.
Here are some ways to successfully flirt.
Words Alone Won’t Help You
It’s been said that 93% of communication is non-verbal — that is, body language, tone, and facial expressions. [R] This isn’t entirely true; try speaking to a woman for 7 seconds, then spending the next 93 posing and wiggling your eyebrows suggestively. Odds are, you’ll have to explain yourself to the police.
While that statistic is a bit distorted, there is some truth to it. Saying the right words will only get you so far; more often than not, what you say is less important than how you say it.
Body language isn’t just how you non-verbally express your interest in a woman — it’s also how women express their interest in you. Surprisingly, 90% of the time, women are the ones initiating a romantic encounter, and they do it through body language. [R] In our article on how to tell a girl you like her, we illustrate an example where a lack of understanding of body language can lead to disaster.
When flirting with a woman, you need to send non-verbal signals that you’re sexually attracted to her; in fact, those are the only signals you should be sending at first. (In other words, do not walk up to a woman and say “I desire a sexual encounter with you, milady.”)
“90% of the time it is women who show signs of interest through body language”
So what are some examples of positive body language?
Making Eye Contact
Eye contact is an easy way to express that you’re interested in her; not only that, it’s an easy way for you to gauge whether she likes you. If she’s not making eye contact, odds are she’s not comfortable or relaxed. [R]
Importance of Smiling
Smiling can be disarming and help take some of the awkwardness out of the initial encounter. Just be sure not to smile too much or too frequently; at best, she’ll think you’re a simpleton, and at worst, she might think you’re a creep.
At the same time try and gauge her smile. Work out if her smile is genuine or fake, this will make it a lot easier to know if she is interested.
Posture & Poise
Good posture conveys assuredness and confidence; in other words, it lets her know that you’re feeling positively about approaching her, which signals that it’s okay for her to feel positively about being approached.
You want to be careful with them: let your facial expressions mirror your emotions. Many guys will just plaster a smile on their face all the way through an interaction in order to please. Instead, change your face according to your inner reaction to what she does. If you disapprove of something, there’s no need to hide it! You’re not there to please her.
Mirroring Courtship Ritual
According to the Center for Nonverbal Studies, mirroring is a crucial element of the courtship ritual. [R] Examples of mirroring are crossing your legs towards someone after they’ve done the same or taking a drink after she does. But be careful: there’s a thin line between mirroring someone and imitating them.
What You Say Does Matter
Some pickup artists believe that you don’t have to say anything meaningful as long as you tick all the non-verbal boxes, but that should just be yet another example of why nobody should listen to pickup artists. Yes, words alone aren’t enough to successfully flirt with someone, but you can’t just grunt your way through it, either.
Keep It Light & Fun
Remember, this isn’t a do-or-die situation; it’s a conversation with a pretty woman. It should be fun, so have fun with it! Keep the conversation breezy — don’t immediately jump into your thoughts on nuclear proliferation as an icebreaker. In fact, don’t ever jump into your thoughts on nuclear proliferation unless she asks about them.
You want to come across as “cocky but funny,” but don’t overdo it. Women are as turned off by an “I’m doing you a favor by talking to you” attitude as they are by a “I don’t deserve to talk to you” one. Don’t think of “cocky” in the sense of an ‘80’s movie bully; instead, think of it more as a mildly-exaggerated sense of confidence. (And don’t tell her to “smile more” — women hate that.)
Be Positive & Don’t Care About The Outcome
Sure: you’re talking to the girl because you’re attracted. But let the interaction be self-sufficient: if you are having fun with a cutie and nothing more, then the girl will enjoy it. You’re both in the same place at the same time, you’re good-looking and blithe, and you’re enjoying each other’s company! That’s why the most important rule for you is to be positive. If you embrace that she’s there and she’s a wonderful person, you’re already halfway there!
Make Her Flirt With You
It’s very important that you get the woman to flirt with you as well! There is a technique in the book Double Your Dating by David DeAngelo that actually shows you what to do in the first 5 minutes of the interaction to set yourself apart and get the woman flirting with you first. I strongly recommend you read it.
The Wikipedia article on flirting describes it as a way to gauge interest or a prelude to casual sex. “In other situations”, the article goes on, “it may be done simply for immediate entertainment, with no intention of developing any further relationship.” To my mind, this is the best way to go: once you know how to entertain yourself with another person’s company, you’ll know how to flirt with a girl anywhere you want. There is always an amount of personal interest involved, and don’t be afraid to hide it: but don’t let it take over and try to steer the conversation to a certain outcome. The only outcome you want right there and then is a great feeling.
Feel Sexy & Make Her Feel The Same
Assume attraction. You know that you are sexy, and no matter if she’s “taken”, lesbian, a happy single, she likes to feel desirable. You’re in a position to give her that feeling. You can open up the interaction with a line as simple as this: “Hi. What’s your name?” You can also establish a mystery: “You’re drinking green tea, right? That tells me a lot about your personality.” Then don’t tell her what it is. Right before approaching, you can start humming or softly singing to yourself, it bridges the gap between not speaking and speaking – you’re already in “talk mode” when you say your first words to her.
Tease Her (But Don’t “Neg”)
Playful teasing is a great way to break the ice and get her smiling and laughing. If she says something like “My friends sent me to the bar to get their drinks,” you can respond with “Jeez, sounds like they needed a break from you!”
Alternatively, you can make it even lighter hearted and play it safe by accusing her of staring at your butt while you were making a point.
The key here is the non-verbal portion, so do it with a smile to let her know you’re joking.
Make sure not to overdo the teasing, though; you’re trying to flirt with her, not roast her at the Friar’s Club. Speaking of which, you may be familiar with the term “negging.” If not, here’s how Wikipedia describes it: [R]
“Negging is a rhetorical strategy whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise insulting remark to another person in order to undermine their confidence in a way that gains approval.”
Why anyone would think the key to winning a woman’s affections is to make her feel like crap is beyond me, but for some reason, some people put a lot of stock in this idea. Don’t be one of those people — negging is a gross and demeaning practice, and more importantly, it doesn’t work. [R]
The case study demonstrates that “sensitivity” is the second most desired characteristic in married women, with “honesty & trustworthiness” in first place… polar opposite characteristics to negging.
Playful Opportunities With Double-entendres
Statements that can have two meanings: formally appropriate and sexually suggestive. She’s talking about her travels: “I spent a lot of time down south.” Say: “Down south?! You dirty girl!” Look for opportunities to introduce playful sexual innuendo into a conversation – if you set your mind to it, you’ll be amazed at how many things you can “accidentally misinterpret” as sexual hints. At some point, tell her: “Look, I realize I’m hot, but please stop your constant innuendos. I’m not that easy.”
Don’t Compliment Her (At First)
A lot of guys think they have to compliment a woman to make it extra-clear that yes, they do find her sexually attractive. While your honesty is certainly appreciated, it’s also overkill; she already knows that based solely on the fact that you’re approaching her.
Part of the fun of flirting is the implicit admission that each person finds the other attractive. Explicitly stating it is like handing someone a birthday present and announcing “It’s a book” before they can open it — it takes all the mystery out of the encounter.
A Note About Confidence
Many people struggle with flirting because they think they lack the self-assuredness to effectively pull it off. It’s true that these tips really only work if you present yourself as confident; otherwise, the results will be less than stellar. (Probably somewhere between “awkward” and “nightmarish,” if I had to ballpark it.)
Now, this would ordinarily be where I’d divulge some extremely simple method that would magically instill you with boundless confidence. Unfortunately, that’s not how confidence works; it’s just one of those things that comes with time and, yes, practice. If you’re lacking in confidence, all you can do is fake it ‘til you make it.
Q: “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?”
A: “Practice, practice, practice.”
It may feel a little disingenuous at first, but I assure you, it isn’t. Confidence doesn’t come naturally to anyone, and everybody has had to pretend to be confident at some point in their lives. Some just start the process earlier than others. The more you fake it, the less you’ll need to fake it. Using this guide will help you flirt and seduce with confidence and, most importantly, have fun doing it while you learn.
Now for a little secret provided by one of the hottest programs on the market that will not only help establish your confidence quicker, but also teach you how to dial up the laws of attraction. To find out more about gaining seductive powers over women without being a jerk go here.
Resources & References
Would you like some additional information on women and how to flirt with them? Here are some additional sources and references:
- How much of communication is really nonverbal by The NonVerbalGroup
- 6 scientific facts about attraction you can use the next time you flirt with someone by Cecily Trowbridge (Thought Catalog)
- Interesting insights by alpha m. on how to approach and flirt without being creepy.
- The body language of the eyes – the eyes reveal what the heart conceals by Joe Navarro M.A.
- 9 wordless ways someone says, “I love you” by Paula Spencer Scott, Alzheimer’s caregiving expert
- Negging – A definition by Wikipedia
- A woman’s perspective by Marni Your Personal Wing Girl on whether she is flirting with you or just being friendly?
- Negging: Do women really like guys who treat them like crap? – Science of relationships articles by Dr. Justin Lehmiller