Wouldn’t it be great if you knew to talk girls in regardless of the situation? In a big city, you’ll see beautiful women every day – in the streets, on train platforms, in supermarkets, in cafés and restaurants. Most of us are really afraid to approach them: it might seem inappropriate, awkward, intrusive, she might be taken, a lesbian or a serial killer. We hesitate and hope for something to happen so we can easily talk to her – and then she leaves and we kick ourselves because in all likelihood, we just missed our one and only shot.
I’ll tell you what you can say to approach a girl. But before you even go there, you need to get the anxiety out of your system, and you achieve that by putting yourself out there and practicing. Here’s your first lesson for today: girls, no matter how beautiful, are people. So start the easy way, learn how to approach people! It’s so easy to have a nice chat with the dude behind you in line at the box office, or with the lady at the cash register.
Spark a great energy inside you.
In his work on Nonverbal Communication, psychology professor Albert Mehrabian found that only about 7% of the emotional meaning of a message is conveyed through words. 38% are “paralanguage”, i.e. the use of voice, and 55% are nonverbal communication, e.g. gesture, posture or facial expressions. Words have a ridiculously small impact on meaning! Instead, we communicate through our behaviour.
If you’ve ever taken acting classes, especially Improv, you will know that an emotion comes up for you if you spark the appropriate energy in your body first. Think of what you feel when you’re really happy to see, say, a great friend. The very instant you see the person, joy lights up in you and you cannot help but make a smile, there’s a prickle in your stomach or a tickle running down the back of your neck. You can put yourself in that state: start laughing by yourself, smile, trigger these physical states. The emotion will follow soon enough, and with it, fun and bright ideas will come up. You might still be nervous about approaching, but in this light, it won’t be anxiety: it will be excitement (think about it, your body signals both in similar ways). You can use that energy! Just stay genuine: don’t paste a fat smile on your face for the heck of it. Let your face mirror your emotions.
Now you’re in the right state to approach a stranger. Of course, you still want to know “what to say first”, right? In dating lingo, we speak of “openers”, and I advocate the honest, genuine and authentic ones. They come from your heart, not pre-scripted from somebody else’s mind. I’ll give you two, and for these, remember what we discussed about energy:
1. Walk up to the person and say “Hi!” or “Hey!”. Simple as that. “My name is Brian.” Shake their hand. “What’s yours?” Now, what do you associate with the person’s name? Perhaps it has a meaning that you know (check out the etymology of common names), or they might have an exotic name. “That’s… No, let me guess: Iranian, right?” There’s your conversation. Now share something about yourself.
2. The observational opener: one of my favourites. A guy opened me up in a supermarket line because he saw a melon in my basket. You and I can do the same: notice something about the person, anything, and point it out. “Your jacket is beautiful, it shines in the sun and makes me think of summer.” What could this say about the person? “Hey, you must be a light-hearted person.”
There are many more kinds of openers, opinion openers for instance, backhanded compliments, David DeAngelo’s “Cocky and Funny” approach, “canned” openers, storytelling, or teasing: “I couldn’t help but notice you… staring at me.” What you need to do is practice, practice, practice. You’ll gain experience from the ways people react (many will be appreciative! They like the change of pace), and soon, you’ll find that approaching becomes easy. Your confidence will grow because you’re no longer treading unsafe territory, and you’ll have the tools to talk to girls in any situation!