Its a shame that most men don’t know a single thing on how to approach properly because it is so easy if done in the right frame of mind. The approach should be an enjoyable experience for both you and the girl that you are going to meet. Now let’s examine the frame of mind that most men adopt when speaking to a woman for the first time.
Usually you can break down the process of the clueless man in a few simple steps.
How a clueless man approaches a girl
1. Sees attractive girl
2. Thinks about how attractive she is and weighs out if its worth talking to her or not. If she’s REALLY attractive and you think you stand a chance, then it might be worth taking a shot.
3. Tries to think of something to say but draws a blank, heart rate increases.
4a. Goes up to the girl in question, asks an awkward question that conveys absolutely no attraction and produces an awkward moment.
4b. Goes up the girl, tries to impress her and is mad when she walks away.
4c. Goes up the girl, acts cocky & completely out of tune with the rest of the social environment, creates an awkward moment.
5. Man ejects from the situation
You should do the OPPOSITE of all the steps above.
First, before you ever start approaching women, you have to know WHAT kind of woman you want. This is CRITICAL and FUN to do. Write out (or think really profoundly) the woman of your dreams. What does she look like? How does she walk ? How does she old herself ? How does she laugh ? How does she dress ? What kind of personality does she have ? Is she sweet, sexy, edgy, kind, cocky, sassy, smart ? What does she do for a living ?
Imagine her and have no limits. Do it now… I’ll wait.
Alright , I know you’re not doing it now, but do it after you finish reading, Ok ?
A change in thinking
Once you do this, meeting girls will radically change. First, the concept of “you attract what you think of” is very true, and you’ll automatically be drawn to the woman of your dreams. Second, when you are meeting girls, your objective is now to find out if she is your ideal girl.
To paraphrase, when you talk to a woman for the first time, you will be interested in knowing what kind of person she is. If she doesn’t measure up to your ideal girl, then tease her about it. If she does have characteristics that are aligned with your ideal girl, then you’ll genuinely be able to point out how you appreciate that about her.
For example, if you were looking for an honest girl, then you could ask in your conversation,
You: “On a scale from 1 to 10, how honest are you?”
Her: “Umm, I’m an 8”
You: “Is that the 2 or the 8 talking now ??”
If you’re looking for a smart girl, then try to find out how intellectual she is ! If you want a girl that’s adventurous, then talk about adventures !
This concept of figuring out if this girl measures up to your expectations will all come naturally when you know what you really want in a girl. You see, most men don’t know what they want and therefore will just SETTLE for anything with 2 legs. Don’t be one of those people.
Women KNOW exactly what they want
Because they know what they want, they can pick and eliminate men so easily. Being picky shows that you have choice in mates, and that makes you attractive.
The problem with approaching girls is that men don’t know what to say first. Even though the words you say really don’t matter, I’ll give you a few samples.
The easiest, and best approach is:
“Hey! I’m just here doing xxxxx (whatever you are doing at the moment), I felt like talking to you.”
Then just go on and figure out who she really is and if she’s right for you.
The next part will deal with approaching groups of girls because if approaching one girl seems scary, then approach two or more at once is usually even scarier!
How To Approach A Group of Girls
Have you ever laid your eyes on a group of really hot girls at a party or in a bar? Say, at least four of them? It’s like Christmas, only you don’t get to unwrap them, because you can’t approach a group of girls just like that, right? It’s too awkward, randomly breaking into a group. And scary. But seriously, it’s tempting, and you’d really like to get to know these girls. You’re in luck, because I’m here to tell you how to approach a group of girls- and I’ll give you tools to do it! First step: get a friend to burn your money if you don’t approach.
Overcome Approach Anxiety
I’m not pulling your Johnson. Hand your friend a 20 dollar bill and a lighter, then tell him to count down from 10. If you’re not approaching that group by zero, your 20 goes up in flames. Trust me, by the time you burned 60 bucks, you’ll approach girls like no tomorrow. The lesson is: don’t shoot yourself in the crotch. You need to get over your anxiety. If you can approach one person, why not a group? All you need is to know how to be confident and practice, and there’s nothing at stake. You’ll most likely never see these people again. Yes, you’ll feel awkward, and insecure, and land on your butt. I sure did. But that’s how you learn. You’ll never move forward if you don’t push your comfort zone, so get out there and do it.
a) Walking up: this mustn’t be different than walking up to a bunch of good friends. Take your hands out of your pockets, walk and breathe slowly and consciously. Look only at them, and discard the surroundings. You want to be aware of the present moment, but not distracted by it. Also, don’t move in too close: you don’t want to intrude their space. Stop close enough so you can talk to them easily without leaning forward.
b) Posture: leaning in is bad. You’ll be an intruder invading the group’s space, plus, it you’ll appear needy and clingy. Instead, you want to lean back just a tad, with your feet slightly apart. You will take up some space and it will show that you’re easy and comfortable.
c) Smile, but don’t overdo it: with a bright smile, you radiate positive energy. By smiling all over the place at everything they say and do, though, you’ll go overboard. Let your face mirror a positive attitude, but be serious or deadpan when needed, e.g. when delivering a funny line.
d) Gestures: as I said earlier, hands out of your pockets! Use them while you speak. For starters, fold your hands in front of your chest for a good vantage point. I always emphasize looking into people’s eyes, so do it. Plus, address them all. Do focus on one person so you won’t appear all over the place, but give regular attention to the others to engage them. You’ll see that the person you address will become an anchor as you keep the others involved. There’s a lot to keep in mind so head over to our article on attractive body language for more explanations.
What To Say When You Approach
It can be any variety of things from “hello” to “I like ice cream!” What’s always worked best for me is clear, straightforward honesty:
“Hi. You guys look like fun, so I decided to come over and meet you!”
“Hey, I noticed you so I thought I’d talk to you.”
Don’t ask questions, they suck energy out of the interaction. Instead, stimulate the conversation with your own input. As with a single person, you can observe: “You laugh so much, you must be cool people.” Talk about the friends you’re there with, tell them why this is your favourite bar, or talk about that amazing one you discovered on vacation in Paris.
You see, if you have the single approach down (covered in the first section), you know how to approach a group of girls. The most important realization for you is that numbers don’t make that much of a difference. You’re still there to enjoy yourself. Share that! Since you’re talking to a group, though, you want to make sure you keep them engaged on the same level as you would a single person – through eye contact and relating personally. Otherwise, you’ll end up losing them all. And again, here’s your most important advice: practice, practice, practice. Social dynamics are intricate, but you can find patterns and work with them.
Because people like specific examples, let’s dive into a common situation that most guys will face: bar pickups.
How To Approach A Girl You Don’t Know At A Bar
You’re here, at your table. She’s over there, at the bar. She’s a stranger. And she’s hot. There are… about… four to five meters between you, tops – and yet, the distance seems insurmountable. Why? You have no reason to talk to her. No excuse! Nobody ever told you how to approach a girl you want to meet. But you know, once you make it work, the doors will be open for you to meet women as you please!
So you go out and practice. Like you heard us say so many times. Soon, you handle the opening: you can walk up and get her attention. It sparks, burns hot and goes out fast. You hit a dead end.
Two Worlds Meet
“Hi, this is a bit random“, you say, “but I thought you look very lovely in your red coat, and I wanted to come over and say hi.” You are now a guest in her reality as much as you allow her to peek into yours. You’re explorers navigating uncharted territory. A unique chance, this is.
She has things going on right now. She is waiting for a friend. She’s having a drink before going to a performance. She was about to leave. Understand that, and take it into account.
“I only have a minute, or I’ll be late for rehearsal“, you add. You’re the guitar player in your band.
Get To Know Her
What helps you now is a healthy sense of curiosity. She knows why you’re talking to her. You’re interested. You won’t try to hide it now. In fact, this is the main thing you should keep in mind when approaching a girl in a bar: when you do, they know that you are interested, so don’t hide it.
You know already that people love talking about themselves. There’s so much to discover about her, and the seemingly mundane things in her everyday life will be new and exciting to you. So you find out what she’s up to, where she just came from, where she’s going.
If she’s up for the conversation, she will give you something to work with. “I just came from a job interview and thought I needed a drink“, she says. You won’t impede the conversation now by moving on to another subject (“ah, okay. So… Where are you from?”). Instead, here, you just let it flow. Read how to make every conversation memorable to improve your storytelling skills.
She smiles, so you allow yourself to be daring. “A job interview? Here, give me your hand.” You take her hand and look into her eyes. “I’m a bit of a psychic, let’s see if I can tell what you do.” You look into her eyes for about a minute, which feels like an eternity when all you do is be present with another person.
Have Fun With Her
“Okay, I’ve narrowed it down. You’re an astronaut.”
She laughs. “No. No I’m not an astronaut.”
You’re still holding her hand. “A pirate, then?”
She plays along. “You know what, I’ll give you a hint, Mister Psychic. It has to do with science.”
“A scientist! Are you evil? Oh I hope you’re evil.”
All through this, even though she only spoke a wee bit, you found out a lot about her. She laughs, so she likes that you talk to her. She plays along, and challenges you. That says a lot about her personality. She’s got character, and will stand up for herself.
The game is on. There’s your conversation. On a side note, check out how to read a woman’s mind for more explanation on getting inside a girl’s brain.
The anatomy of the first minutes
I have a really cute friend. One day, she told me this story: “I was in the metro, and a guy came up to me. He excused himself, said he didn’t normally do this, but he noticed me and he would kick himself if he didn’t talk to me.” Even though she was in a relationship at the time, she was full of praise for that guy.
A girl will gladly chat with you if you step up like an honest and good-hearted man and talk to her. The worst that will happen is that she’ll respectfully decline, and even then, she’ll probably tell her friends about that cool guy who approached her today, took her out of her boring routine and made her feel special and appreciated.
The first minutes, or even seconds, serve to get an overall “feel” for the person you have in front of you. Both of you will gain a lot of unspoken information from just a bit of interaction, and you’ll be able to tell easily how well you get along. Focus on the vibe that’s going on.
Don’t let the fact that she’s a stranger deter you. Yes, it’s a big step, but once you have your own plan on how to approach a girl, you’ll gain major props from her just for approaching her and being a man. The above is an example, taken from one everyday situation, but you will see how the general rules apply in any other one as well.
If you want more knowledge how to approach girls of your dreams then I can recommend a read that will probably change your life. In the program Obsession Method by Kate Spring (review here), you can find many powerful methods for generating massive attraction immediately when you meet a girl for the first time. It is a highly recommend program that every guy SHOULD go through. Seriously. Either open that link in a new tab if you want to keep on reading or go check it out now, it’s worth it.